There was thus a conflict between destructive aggressions - reactive rage and sadistic impulses - the the one hand, and on the other the need for affection and approval, with a desire to appear fair and rational in his own eyes. The result was inner upheaval that went unnoticed, while the fatigue that was its external manifestation paralyzed all action.

Living with unresolved conflicts involves primarily a devastating waste of human energies, occasioned not only by the conflicts themselves but by all the devious attempts to remove them.

If someone wants to be friendly but at the same time resents the idea because he feels it to be ingratiating, he will be stilted; if he wants to ask for something but feels he should command it, he will be ungracious; if he wants to assert himself but also to comply, he will be hesitant; if he wants to make contact with people but anticipates rejection, he will be shy; if he wants to have sexual relations but also wants to frustrate the partner, he will be frigid - and so on. The more pervasive the counter currents, the greater the strain of living.

That link is a double-edged sword: nourishing relationships have a beneficial impact on out health, while toxic ones can act like slow poison in our bodies.

Unresolved conflict in our work and personal relationships sucks up energy and attention in sneaky ways that we often don't take account of. We should be adding up the time we spend fuming to our spouses, designing a workaround, lying awake thinking about what we should have said to them, and looking up their personality disorders on the Internet to bolster our case.